Loving beyond human reason
by XxStephXx
Summary: Sometimes when you love someone beyond all human reason, even you can't understand it which is what lead Lily and James to be standing at Kings Cross Station saying goodbye for the final time unless they can finally understand what it is that makes them
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

"Can you believe that in three months we graduate and leave this place," said Alice.

Gryffindor had just won another Quidditch match and so the team had decided to throw a party in the common room. Lily was talking to her best friend Alice. The common room was packed, every Gryffindor and some Ravenclaw's were there. Music was blaring but it wasn't so loud that they couldn't hear each other speak.

"Yeah I know, we're going to be alone in the big bad world," said Lily. "Pretty scary."

"Yeah it's alright for you," Alice scoffed. "You have the Quidditch Captain in your bed to keep you safe."

"You have Frank," said Lily allowing a little smile to stray onto her lips at the mere mention of her boyfriend, she knew how pathetically in love she was with him but she really couldn't help it nor did she want to.

"Oh nothing is even happening with him," Alice sighed. "He went out once and then…nothing."

"He is just shy," said Lily. "I think it's sweet."

"I think it's annoying, if he liked me he would ask me out again," she moaned.

"I'm sure he will," said Lily.

"Maybe I should just snog Sirius instead," she said.

"I don't think that is ever the answer," said Lily screwing up her nose.

"Now, now lets not be hasty," said Sirius who had been walking past. "I think we need to really consider that option."

"Alright you two do that," said Lily rolling her eyes. She walked across the room to where James was talking to his two other best friend Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew.

"Hey you," said James softly.

"Hi," said Lily.

She quietly turned her body so that she fit nice and snugly into James' side. She loved being close to him and it was nothing to do with his gorgeous body (well alright perhaps it was a little bit) but there was something warm and safe about James. James was naturally quite protective of her and it showed in his body language, even when he wasn't aware of it. He was so safe, that any chance she got she would be as close to him as she could be. James without even thinking rested his hand on the bottom of her back, slowly rubbing small circles with his hand.

"You okay?" he asked. She rested her head on his shoulder, with her eyes closed. "You tired?"

"A little," she lied.

"You've been tired a lot lately," he said concerned. "Is everything okay?"

"Everything is fine," Lily lied.

"Okay," said James pressing a kiss to the top of her head. "Just let me know if you want to head upstairs to sleep, I'll make them keep the noise down."

"That's okay," she said. "I love you."

"Love you too," smiled James. He never ever got tired of hearing her tell him that she loved him, after all the times he never thought it would happen. He loved that she just said it now, for no particular reason and without anyone coaxing her.

Recently it had occurred to Lily that they only had a few weeks of school left. James was already talking about fighting in the war and that terrified her, he was far too eager to put his life on the line as if it was nothing. He didn't even seem worried that he could die, he worried about her getting hurt all the time he was always telling her to be careful but he barely even acknowledged that he could be a target as well.

"Are you sure there isn't something on your mind?" James asked again. She had been quiet all week and he couldn't help but worry that maybe he was losing her. Even the prospect of that terrified him, he had fancied Lily for years but only when he really got to know did he realise just how much he loved her, there was never going to be another girl for him, he wouldn't let her go without a fight.

"Hmmm…we can talk about it tomorrow," Lily promised. She knew she had to talk to him about how she was feeling but she wasn't going to ruin the party for him.

"Okay," he said feeling the panic rise in his throat, he wrapped his arm around her tighter. He had to ask her if she was going to break up with him, but first he just wanted to hold her for a few minutes, just in case that was last time he got to do it. Lily cuddled into him when he pulled her closer.

"Do you still love me?" James whispered into her ear.

"I just said so," Lily laughed softly. "Of course I love you."

"Do you want to break up? Is that what you want to talk about tomorrow?" he whispered to her.

"No," she said shocked that he would even think that. James was not the insecure type, he never jealous or paranoid. "Why would you think that?"

"It's just you've been distant and…I'm sorry I just thought…"

"No I'm sorry if that is what you thought," said Lily guiltily. He looked so vulnerable like a scared little puppy that Lily couldn't help but find adorable. "You don't have to worry about that. I love you, I really love you and I don't plan on putting you back on the market again because…well frankly your taste in girls sucks…"

"Well I disagree," he said kissing the tip of her nose. "And since that is the case…I have a little secret to tell you tomorrow."

Lily didn't know about Remus' furry little problem or that he was an Animagus. It was time to tell her, they were due to leave school soon and he planned on having her in his life for a very long time and if they were serious about their relationship then he shouldn't be keeping secrets from her.

* * *

**I know I really shouldn't be starting a new story when I haven't finished a load of my older ones. But this story is just a short one, probably 4 chapters in total. So anyway it will be a good one...REVIEW**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

"So what is this secret you have to tell me?" Lily asked. They had just finished classes for the day and had walked down to the lake together.

"It's pretty big," said James taking a deep breath. "But it is a big secret and it's not just mine…so you will have to keep it to yourself."

"Of course I will," said Lily. "You know you can tell me anything."

"I know," said James. "I've never ever told anyone this before."

"You can trust me," said Lily. James looked so nervous that he was making her feel nervous, it was a serious secret he had to tell her she could tell.

"Yeah I know I can."

"I love you," she said rubbing his arm to put him more at ease.

"I love you too," he said kissing her head.

"And I love when you do that," she smiled. She reached up to the back of his neck and pulled him down to kiss her.

"And I love when you do that," he said. "Feel free to do that whenever you feel like it."

"I will," she smiled. "Now spill!"

"Okay," said James clearing his throat. "So I guess the place to start is my best mates…you know how much they mean to me, even though we are manly men who don't need to talk about such things. Manly men!"

"Yes," laughed Lily. "Despite being a bunch of masculine men, I know you love them."

"Right, so…yeah. Back in first year we started to notice that Remus had a lot of illnesses and family emergencies," said James. "It didn't take us long to work out that he left school for a few days every month at the full moon."

"Oh my…" Lily gasped. She always thought Remus had a big secret but she had just assumed it was a family thing that he always went away for. "He's a werewolf?"

"Yes," James confirmed. "He is but he isn't dangerous or anything…you…"

"Relax," said Lily. "I'm not horrified…in fact I'm not as shocked as I should be. I knew he was hiding something. But I don't think he's dangerous or some sort of monster, he's still Remus, the only Marauder that could keep the rest of you under some sort of control."

"Yeah he's still just Remus, that's exactly what I hoped you would say," said James.

"You thought I might react differently?"

"No but…you never know," said Jake half heartedly.

"Well your or rather Remus' secret is safe with me," said Lily then she stood on her tip toes and pressed a soft kiss on his lips. "And I love you for telling me."

"I'm not finished yet," said James. "That wasn't the biggest part of the secret…"

"Hmmm let me guess Sirius is part unicorn, and Peter is part leprechaun," Lily mocked.

"Very funny," said James. "But not completely off the mark."

"What are you talking about?"

"Well…werewolves they bite people…but not animals," said James nervously.

"Yeah so?"

"Well we thought that he shouldn't have to go through everything alone every month," said James. "And the only way we could be with him is if we were animals…"

"Be with him?" said Lily. "But even disguised as animals if you get bitten you still…"

"I know but it would never happen," said James dismissively. "We uh…became animagus'. I…I'm a stag, Sirius is a dog and Peter is a rat."

"So you go out every month with a werewolf, knowing you could get bitten?" said Lily feeling like she was about to cry.

He was risking his life every month even before they had even left school. This is who he was, he was always going to want to fight. But he didn't have any regard for his own life, he just wanted to do the right thing and she did love that about him but he needed the adrenaline of risking his life. She couldn't stand around and watch the man she loved beyond all human reason risk his life, and just wait for him to get himself killed, she was nowhere near strong enough for that. And James shouldn't have to feel guilty for going out and doing what he wanted to do with his life and he would feel guilty when he saw how scared she was for him.

"I told you we wouldn't…it's never happened before," said James. Lily hadn't reacted the way he had hoped. She had gone all pale. "I know that it is against the rules but…"

"I…I need to think," Lily stuttered. "I'm sorry."

"Lily," said James worried. She was slowly backing away from him, he could see the tears in her eyes threatening to spill out. "Lily wait!"

"I-I need time to think please," she said turning on her heel and running back towards the castle.

"I love you!" he called after her.

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Lily ran all the way to her dormitory without so much as looking at another person. She threw herself down on her bed and sobbed her heart out. How could she break up with James? How could she break his heart like that especially after she had told him last night that she wasn't? It would break her heart to end it with James, she loved him so much. But it would be best in the long run for both of them, she couldn't watch him risk his life all the time, never knowing if she would even see him again. And she couldn't ask James to stop being who he was, it wasn't fair. She had fallen in love with the man he was and changing him would change that.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

A week later and both James and Lily were both miserable. Lily had broken up with him, she had sent him a note telling him that it was over, she said that she needed space and they were too young to be in such a serious relationship. She hated herself for it but she couldn't tell him the real reason, he would try to reassure her that she had nothing to worry about, but she knew she did. She couldn't handle waiting to be told that he had been killed but she couldn't be responsible for making him unhappy.

Unfortunately he was unhappy, he was heart broken. She had caught sight of him a few times since she had sent that note, he had tried to talk to her but she had been in the girls dormitory almost all week, she had told her teachers that she was ill. But she had to go back to class and she had to face James.

Lily walked into the Gryffindor common room and the first thing she saw was James, he was sitting on the chair that was facing the girls dormitory stairs. He was just staring blankly ahead until he realised that it was Lily that had come down the stairs. He had waited for her every morning for a week.

"How are you feeling?" he asked not taking his eyes off her for a second. "McGonnagol said you were ill."

"I feel much better," said Lily looking at the wall behind him. She couldn't look at James, she wouldn't be able to stop herself from crying all she had wanted to do for the past week was melt into his arms and let him tell her that everything would be okay.

"Good," he said. "I was worried about you, it's not like you to miss class."

"You don't need to worry about me," she said. She allowed herself to glance at his face and immediately wished she hadn't. He looked so crushed and miserable, he also looked like he hadn't been sleeping much. She couldn't have hated herself more, she had broken the man she loved and he was such a good man that didn't deserve to be hurting.

"Yeah it doesn't work like that," said James vulnerably. "I can't turn it off like a switch."

She just nodded, unable to say anything or form any words. She started towards the portrait hole but James stopped her in her tracks.

"Did you mean it?"

"What?"

"Your note," he said painfully. "Did you mean it?"

"I…think it's best that we are not together," she said not being able to turn her head to look at him.

"Why?" he asked helplessly. "Did I do something to upset you? Is it the animagus thing? Have I hurt you?"

"No," said Lily tears falling freely down her face. "You haven't done anything wrong."

"I must have," said James walking over to her. "Please just tell me what I've done so that I can take it back because I love you and I don't want to break up."

"You really haven't done anything wrong."

"You can't even look at me," he said. "Just look at me."

"I can't," she whispered. "Please don't make this harder."

"I'm not about to make it easy," he said softly. "We are so good together and it's worth fighting for. I asked you if you had stopped loving me, have you?"

"Please James don't do this, stop it!" she cried. "I can't do this."

"I can't either," he said. "I love you, does that count for anything?"

"No," she said trying to sound stronger than she felt.

"How can it not?" he sounded angry now.

"It just…it's for the best," she said.

"Stop saying that!"

"But it is," said Lily. "You have to trust me on this."

"I would trust you on anything but not when it means it I don't get to be with you especially when we graduate in a few weeks," James shouted. "What the hell is going on?"

"I did some thinking," said Lily. "Neither of us…"

"Don't talk for me!" said James his voice like steel.

"Okay," she whispered. "I'm not ready for such a serious relationship. We are about to leave the safety of the castle and go out into a world at war, never knowing if we see our friends and family again. I don't know about you but it scares the hell out of me!"

"I would keep you safe," James promised.

"At what expense?" she asked.

"There is nothing I wouldn't do to keep you safe."

"I know that…"

"It doesn't make any difference does it?" He sighed sadly.

"No I'm sorry," said Lily tears falling down her face again. "I'm sorry."

"Is there anything I can do to change your mind?"

"No."

"Okay," he whispered, he put his arm against the wall and rested his weight onto it. "I don't want this, I want to be with you."

"James I'm sorry," said Lily tearfully. "But you have to know that it wasn't anything you did."

"That doesn't make me feel a hell of a lot better!" James snapped although he didn't sound angry, he just sounded sad.

"I'm sorry."

"Stop saying that, it doesn't mean anything," said James.

"Right…I should just…"

"I still love you," said James. "Being without you feels like I'm missing a limb! But I can't make you love me, I couldn't when we were younger and I can't now."

"James you say that like you never meant anything to me…you did…"

"I'm sure I did," James smiled as if he was having a hard time believing it. "But lets face it you were never going to love me the way I love you. I was an idiot for thinking that you ever could."

"No…that's not true…" said Lily frantically. She couldn't bear the thought of James thinking that she had never loved him, that their whole relationship had been a lie.

"It's okay," said James. "I get it…you might have cared about me but you don't love me certainly not enough to stand by and watch me break the law…"

"What?"

"I'm a illegal animagus, if anyone found out I would go the Azkaban and people might think that you helped me become one, and then you could end up in trouble," said James.

"That…"

"It's okay," said James sadly. "I would never want you to get in any trouble because of me…"

"James this is…"

"I know," he sighed sadly. He knew what he was saying wasn't true, Lily wasn't a coward she wouldn't run from something she thought was right. Even if she did hate the fact that he was an animagus she wouldn't just break up with him like that, she would make sure he knew how wrong she thought it was. "But I need some sort of reason."

"Right," said Lily. He needed closure and she couldn't deny him some sort of reason, especially since she couldn't tell him the real reason. "I'm just going to go."

Before she could turn to leave the room James reached out and grabbed her waist so that his lips were hovering just above her ear.

"Change your mind, please," he pleaded. "I would never hurt you or do anything to harm you. You won't find another guy that will love you as much as I do."

"I…I can't," she whispered.

"If you change your mind, you know where I am."

Then he was gone, she did even have time to turn round. He was just gone. It was harder than she had thought it would be. She almost wished that he just screamed and shouted at her, she wished he could have said he hated her because an angry James couldn't have made her feel worse than a heartbroken one. He was just so sad and it was all her fault, she hated it. In that moment Lily would have done anything to make the world disappear for a few seconds just so that she could curl up in James' arms, just one last time.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

It was the last day of school, they had all just graduated and were now on the Hogwarts Express for the last time. James, Sirius, Remus, Peter, Alice, Frank and Lily were all sitting in a compartment together. Alice and Frank had finally gotten together. Lily was sitting at the window looking out of it miserably. James was on the opposite side of the compartment watching her.

It just wasn't right, thought James. Lily shouldn't be over there, she should be there with him. She wasn't happy, he could tell that she was miserable but she wouldn't talk to him, he had tried but she wouldn't listen. Even now she couldn't even look at him. He had to at least say goodbye to her.

"Ugh we have to…remember Moony we have that uh…thing," said Sirius. He had always been a terrible liar.

"Right so we do," said Remus. "Come on Wormtail."

"Come on Frank," said Alice. "I want…to see…the view from another carriage." The five of them piled out of the carriage.

"Subtlety was never their strong point," said James. Lily was still just staring out of the window.

"They mean well," said Lily.

"Will you look at me?" James asked. "Please. I'm not going to pounce on you or anything."

"Sorry," she said as she tore her eyes away from the window.

She really wouldn't have minded if he had pounced on her, she was missing him so much it was now physically painful to look into those wonderful, loving soft brown eyes. His old jumper that she had borrowed from him before they broke up had stopped smelling like him weeks ago. He had behaved so perfectly that she wanted to scream at him for it, he had remained civil to her even friendly, her friends were his friends and vice versa so he had made it as easy as possible for them to be around each other. But it wasn't enough, every time they were together in a group of people she would watch the way he stood or sat and she would remember how easily she had fit into his body almost like she had been made for him.

"Lily I just want to say goodbye to you, properly," he said emotionally. "I didn't want to wait until we were at Kings Cross."

"Okay," she said. This was not going to be easy, how are you supposed to say goodbye to the love of your life?

"Now that I have you alone, I don't know what to say," said James nervously.

"Well I do," said Lily. "James I wish you all the luck in the world. Look after yourself especially with the way the world is right now. You're such a good man, and you will make someone very happy one day…"

"I wish I could have made you happy," he said.

"You did," said Lily. "And don't let this stupid war change you in anyway."

"You sound like you rehearsed that," said James.

"Maybe I did," she said. "But I really mean all of it."

"Yeah I know," he said. "You were always better with words than me."

"You always managed alright," said Lily.

"So I guess this is the time I start saying goodbye, and wishing you luck," said James.

"Pretty much."

"Well good luck with everything you do in your life, you're going to make an amazing Healer one day. Keep yourself safe, don't take any stupid risks you don't have to. Don't try to be a hero, it's okay to run away from some fights. And if you can find someone who made you half as happy as you made me…then you'll have done good."

"Thank you James," said Lily truly touched by his words. She knew it wasn't easy for him to say the last part. He was trying so hard to pretend that he was okay to her, but she saw the pain and sadness in his eyes.

"Just one thing," he said nervously. "Can I kiss you?"

"What?"

"It's just I didn't know that the time I kissed you would be the last time and I can't remember it."

"James I…really don't think that would be good idea," said Lily. If she let James kiss her, she would never be able to walk away from him, she would melt and never want to let him ago.

"Okay," he said sadly. "I understand…I'm sorry."

"Our last kiss was at the lake," said Lily softly. "I kissed you after you kissed the top of my head. Just before you told me about being an animagus."

"I remember," said James. "Just after you told me you loved me."

"Right," she said guiltily. "I should go and say goodbye to some of my friends."

"Okay," said James. "Goodbye Lily."

"Goodbye James," said Lily. She slipped out of the carriage and ran all the way to the bathroom, where she broke down in tears. She was never going to see him again, he was going to go out and fight in a war. If by some miracle he survived the war, he would meet someone else and get married and have beautiful children and she would still be pining after him.

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By the time the Hogwarts Express stopped at platform nine and three quarters, Lily had almost managed to pull herself together. It was so hard for her to imagine not seeing James every day, she really couldn't believe that this was the end. Life was cruel. Why couldn't she just have James? She didn't care about the rest of it she just wanted him.

She looked over the platform at him, he was looking at her. He just looked at her longingly. She truly did hate herself for hurting him so much, he didn't deserve it. He looked away when someone started to talk to him. She could feel tears welling up in her eyes again. She just wanted _him_!

"Just talk to him," Alice whispered to her. "At this point what do you have to lose by just telling him the truth, whatever that it."

"Him, I could lose him."

"You're about to lose him anyway," she hissed pointing to where James was disappearing into Kings Cross station.

Suddenly it hit Lily, Alice was right. She was already losing him. What harm could it do to just tell him how she was feeling, she was going to before she found out about Remus and everything else. She sprinted to the platform barrier shouting to Alice to take her trunk for her.

"James!" she shouted as he was about to disappear into the crowd.

"Are you okay?" he asked as she ran up to him. She had been crying, her cheeks were tearstained and her eyes frantic.

"No," she said as tears fell freely from her eyes again. "No I'm not."

"Hey it's okay, don't cry," he said softly.

He reached out and pulled her by the waist into him. As soon as he did, he truly realised how much he had missed her. He stuck his nose into her hair and inhaled deeply, he loved the way she smelled, he could never describe her scent it was something that was so uniquely her. He held on to her tight, never wanting to let her go. By now Lily was breaking her heart, crying into his chest.

"Come on," he whispered to her. "I'm going to apparate you to the flat okay?"

James and Sirius had rented a flat in London. James looked down and saw Lily nod, he took her had and led her to a quiet corner, where he apparated them to the flat. Lily lifted her head off his chest and wiped her eyes.

"Sorry about that," she said. "I couldn't stop once I had started."

"It's okay," said James. "Why are you so upset? Has someone hurt you?"

"No," she said. "I just…Alice said something to me that was just so simple it made so much sense that…it's so silly I didn't…"

"What did she say?"

"That I had to come and talk to you because…I'm losing you anyway," said Lily helplessly. "I haven't been entirely honest with you about…everything."

"What do you mean?"

"I lied when I told you that I wasn't ready for such a serious relationship, if it had been with anyone else then it would be true but I just…I love you so much and I'm okay with the thought of not being with anyone else ever…"

"Then why did you do it?" asked James desperately. "Just tell me why?"

"It's hard to explain," she said. "Look the world is a scary place right now, we all know that some of us aren't going to survive."

"What does that have to do with anything?" asked James. "Surely we should be spending as much time with the people we love as possible."

"That is one way to look at it," said Lily. "But this war petrifies me…"

"It scares everybody."

"And I love you so much," she said as if she hadn't heard him. "But you don't even seem to acknowledge that you could die!"

"I know I could die," said James. "But what is the point in dwelling on it?"

"Because it is real!" Lily shouted at him. "You could get killed and you don't even seem to care. You were running around the forbidden forest while we were at school…what are you going to do in the real world when you don't have Dumbledore's protection?"

"But…that was for Remus…"

"I know that and it was a great thing to do for him and I love you for it," said Lily. "But your life is not something worthless that you can just risk all the time!"

"I know but you can't expect me to sit at home and do nothing!"

"And you can't expect me to watch you kill yourself!"

"I'm not!"

"You are," Lily shouted. "You are going to fight them and you don't even seem to care about your life. You are nothing but a selfish git!"

"Selfish? How the hell have I been selfish?"

"Because you don't care about how your life affects the people that love you."

"Are you classing yourself in that category now?"

"Do you have any idea what it would do to me or to your friends if you got yourself killed?" Lily shouted at him.

"Well…"

"It would destroy us," Lily shouted. "How would you feel if Sirius was killed?"

"Fine! You've made your point," James roared.

"It's just scary that you don't seem to place any sort of regard on your life. I get that you want to fight them, I do too but you…you have to at least be careful because if I had to read in the Daily Prophet that went and got yourself blown up instead of knowing when to just run…"

"Well you see the thing is I haven't had much reason to be careful lately," James shouted. He hated that Lily had a point. "What is the point in fighting to get back in one piece if you don't have anyone to come home to?"

"You have plenty!"

"I don't have you," he countered.

"No you don't," said Lily quietly. "Because I wouldn't want to change who you are and I would if I asked you to not to fight them. I just thought you at least deserved the truth."

"So now you just leave," said James having now calmed down. "And we don't see each other anymore."

"Looks like it," she said. "Be careful."

"Do you love me?" James asked suddenly just as Lily reached his front door.

"Beyond all human reason," she said turning round to look at him. "I always have and I always will."

"I love you too," said James. "It doesn't seem right that we can't be together."

"I know," said Lily sadly. "At least you know why though."

"It doesn't make it much easier," said James.

"I know," said Lily then she turned and reach for the door handle.

"What if we came to an arrangement?" asked James cautiously. "I won't solve all of the issues but…"

"What kind of arrangement?" asked Lily curiously.

"Well," said James walking over to Lily and standing in front of her. "We could be together."

"I like it already," said Lily.

"I am going into Auror training and I will fight them because I can't stand by and let them kill muggles and muggleborns without trying to stop them, and if they ever came after you then…I couldn't live with myself," he said stroking the side of her face. "But I promise you that I will fight like hell to make sure I come home in one piece, and so that you don't have to lose me."

"James…"

"Trust me," he said gazing into her eyes. "Trust me when I tell you that I want a future with you and I don't intend on leaving you all alone."

"I do trust you," she murmured. "But do you really…"

"Yes I really think we can do it," said James. "Just say yes."

"Okay," said Lily. "But you better know when to run."

"I will," said James. "I'll look after my life as if it was yours."

"It is," said Lily leaning forward and resting her head on his shoulder. "I love you."

"I know and I love you too," said James. "And I have missed you so much."

"I've missed you too," said Lily. "I'm sorry I put you through that."

"It's okay as long as you never do that again."

"I promise," she said.

"Good," he whispered into her ear. "Now. Will you marry me?"


End file.
